Sample Chapter

My Sister's Keeper

Intimacy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bombarded by the sexual exploitations available at every turn, women and men are disillusioned, misled, and confused about the subject of intimacy. Sexual love has been from the beginning a gift from God, but men have done all within their power to contaminate it. What God made to be a beautiful and wonderful expression of feelings between a man and his wife has been turned into something vulgar and repulsive to many. With the making and selling of erotic movies and pornographic magazines and other vile abuses men and women have become twisted in their thinking of what is good and bad, right and wrong. Anything seems to be okay today. To be open minded means freedom of expression through any means available: writings, photography, art, music, or sexuality. They do what feels good. There seems to be no shame when two people sleep together before they are married. Homosexuality and lesbianism are openly accepted as alternatives to God's plan for one man and one woman for life. The sexual roles of mankind have been distorted, and many young people marry without a clear view of what is expected in the bonds of this marital relationship. Inexperience leads them to believe that the passions that burn so intensely in youth need only to be satisfied. This, to them, is the ultimate experience. Lust for gratification ignores the joy of the satisfying fulfillment that intimacy brings to the union of marriage. Intimacy involves much more than merely satisfying the sexual urges. God intended for a man and his wife to be intimate friends and lovers.

God designed man and woman to be sexual creatures. The very structure of the human body indicates that God had in mind intimacy between men and women. The Genesis account of creation confirms this fact when God created His final handiwork and brought her to Adam. And God said, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). Adam knew that God had given him a very special gift. He knew that, though she was created from his rib, she was created to complete him as a human being. Adam was to love and care for his new wife. He was to respect her as an individual, realizing that she would bring a fulfillment to his existence that none of God's other creatures had.

God designed within Adam and Eve a sexual desire and therefore mankind has the God-conceived, God-authorized, and God-sanctioned idea of sexual pleasure. God gave mankind the emotional capacity for sexual love. He created our bodies to respond to sexual arousal and He expected it to be fulfilled in marriage.

Some women have, perhaps innocently, been mislead about their roles in fulfilling the sexual needs of their husbands and having their own needs met as well. Many young women go into the marriage relationship knowing only the basics about the delights of sexual love. They may have received little training due to embarrassment or the lack of knowledge on the part of their mothers. Some enter marriage with the idea that the husband will demand his conjugal rights and there is nothing that can prevent it. They may have been taught that one just suffers through it. Some enter marriage totally ignorant of the act of marriage and believe that their husbands will know just what to do. This is a travesty. Sexual love was meant to be shared, and both the husband and the wife should be willing to help each other to reach their full enjoyment.

Since this is a book primarily for women, I will not attempt to undertake the responsibilities or the negligence of some men. Not unkindly, we must admit that there are many men who do not know how to please their wives nor do they care to learn. There are also many men who do not love or respect their wives as they should. Reality is that there are many men who abuse their roles as leaders in the home and take no thought to giving or sharing anything in their relationship with their wives. Some men are drunks and are rough and uncaring and could be unfaithful to their wives. Some are physically abusive and daily threaten the wives' safety. Others may be verbally abusive, completely tearing down the confidence of their spouses and making them feel worthless. This obviously does not encourage or enhance the sexual response of the women to their husbands. Neither my knowledge nor space will permit me to delve into the "whyís" of such behavior. I will attempt to briefly touch on a few things that can enhance the sexual relationship. These can also make the Christian couple who desire a happy marriage intensely satisfied, enabling them to know a little heaven on earth.

Intimacy involves two. It implies the sharing of many things, not just mutual sexual satisfaction. Sharing requires giving more than fifty-fifty. When a couple shares the most private part of themselves with one another, they must be able to communicate their thoughts, ideas, plans, and their desires. Honesty is a necessity. When two cannot be honest with each other, the relationship will suffer. A young woman once told me that she rarely was able to totally appreciate intercourse because she was afraid to really let go and enjoy herself. She was self-conscious about her body, her expressions, and how she was viewed by her husband during their lovemaking. This fear and lack of trust and being completely honest began to put a strain on their sex life. He could sense her discomfort and began to think there was a more serious problem. Finally she let her guard down and admitted that she was afraid to be completely free with him for fear he would laugh at her. This, he assured her, was not true. From the day she recognized the truth and admitted her fear to her husband, their love life has been wonderful for them both.

The husband and wife must be able to fully trust each other. They should never attempt to use the sexual relationship to manipulate or to take advantage of each other (1 Cor. 7:4-5). This shows an immaturity that has no place in marriage. But most importantly it is a sin. The sexual relationship can enhance and bring out the best in the person you love. It can give your mate confidence in himself and help him to attain his goals.

Communication in the bedroom should always be maintained. You should not be afraid to tell or show your husband what you like. Tell him what feels good and what doesn't feel good. Loving husbands want to know what excites their wives. Many times what seems to be a major problem can be solved very quickly if we will just be brave enough to tactfully and kindly say what bothers us. If there is a touch or lovemaking act that disturbs you or makes you feel uncomfortable, then he should know about it. If a certain sexual touch that you enjoyed in the past is no longer pleasurable, you should tell him. He will only know what you have told him before and the pleasure you have experienced in the past. Ignoring the uncomfortable feelings will only bring about your unwillingness to be intimate. The longer you keep your discomfort hidden from him, the more it will hurt him. And if he senses your unwillingness, he may also begin to dread the act of lovemaking because he may feel he cannot please you. Honesty will make you both much better lovers. Your husband will continue to feel comfortable and confident as your lover.

You might say, "But telling my husband something negative about his lovemaking will crush him. Even if I am trying to make it better, he will take it personally." For the relationship to be what it should be, the man has to be mature enough and love you enough to want to help you to achieve the highest form of pleasure from your lovemaking. And he should respect, admire, and love you more for being honest and for being willing to help him please you. Most husbands are thrilled to know their wives want an exciting sex life. But remember that intimacy is a two-way street. As a wife, you should be willing to seek to please your husband. If your husband has a specific request of you and wishes to show you how to please him, be a willing partner. Be flexible. This does not mean that bizarre or unnatural acts are acceptable. But a loving wife should always be ready and anxious to learn different methods of normal sexual acts so she can fully satisfy her husband's desires.

Don't be afraid to be sexy. God made your body to be pleasing to your husband and there is nothing shameful about revealing yourself to your mate. Remember how you took such time and care with your appearance while you were dating? Has it changed over the years? Marriage does not give license to become a slob. Before marriage and just shortly after we would have never thought about greeting our love at the door in some ragged pair of pajamas or our favorite threadbare nightgown we slept in the night before. We would never have thought to greet him with teeth unbrushed, or with greasy, unwashed, or unkempt hair. During the dating period and early marriage to this man, we did all the things we knew he liked. We attempted in every possible way to impress him. We cooked special meals, we tidied the house, we made sure that his happiness was our main priority. Many women greet their husbands at the door in their gowns or bathrobe, not because they have any intention of enticing or seducing him, but because they have been dressed like that since they got up that morning. They have not touched their hair with a brush or done a thing to make themselves attractive for the man that say they love and desire. Sound appealing? What if the reverse were true? How would we feel if we worked the nine to five and daily came home only to be greeted as we come in the door by a guy dressed in his torn boxer shorts and dirty, rumpled T-shirt, unshaven, with bad breath, and unkempt in every other way? Would we be glad to be home each evening? Would we be inclined to be attentive and interested in someone who was not interested in himself?

Here are some simple things that any woman can implement in her daily routine that do not cause a great expense or take much time.

1. Dress neatly each day. Bathe, put makeup on, and choose clean, pressed clothes. Also, choose frequently an outfit in which you know your husband thinks you look great. This should immediately attract his attention.
2. Fix his favorite meal and put candles on the table. This can set the tone for a peaceful, comfortable atmosphere that may simply lead to a night of much- needed conversation. This can also easily set the mood for warm and wonderful sexual fulfillment.
3. Write your husband love notes and hide them in various places where you know he will find them: underwear drawer, briefcase, desk at the office, desk at home (if he has one), lunchbox, checkbook, or bathroom mirror. Use your imagination!
4. Stop occasionally at the card section in your favorite variety store or drug store and pick out an intimate card that says something that you find particularly difficult to express or one that just simply says, "I love you." This is a wonderful way to express yourself and communicate your needs or desires to your husband.
5. When funds allow, pack an overnight bag for both of you. Call a hotel or motel and make one night's reservation. Check with trustworthy friends or neighbors and see if they will keep your children (if you have any) for the night. Make a deal that you will keep their children one night in exchange for keeping yours one night. Plan to pick up your husband from work (if you have two cars) and kidnap him, taking him away for a night for just the two of you. If you only have one car, then have everything ready and spirit him away as soon as he arrives home. Again be flexible. Check to make sure he doesn't have prior commitments so that you are not disappointed if plans do not work out.
6. Don't be afraid to dress sexy for your husband. He loves to know that you want to please him. There is nothing shameful about dressing to entice your man. The shameful thing is when women no longer care if they entice or interest their husbands. Make an effort to wear colors he likes. If at all possible, choose perfumes or colognes that he finds irresistible. If your budget allows, go shopping for a new piece of lingerie. Trade in that old flannel nightgown for something a little more interesting.
7. Be feminine. There is nothing more unsexy than a woman who attempts to be as tough as a man, whether it be in her dress, her speech, or her job. God made us soft and gentle. We are to be ready to comfort him. We are to be the weaker vessel. There is nothing nicer than to know that your husband wants to lessen your burdens. Many women resent this and therefore attempt to show their strength in a way that is contrary to what God planned. Man was created to be the stronger one and the woman is to allow him to be so. So donít be afraid to be soft and sexy.
8. Learn to enjoy touching your mate. Holding hands, soft caresses and kisses are what ignited the flame in the first place. When was the last time you massaged your husband's back when it wasn't hurting? Try to remind yourself to touch more often. If it has been a while since you touched your mate, other than accidentally, give it a try. You and he might both be surprised!
9. Don't be afraid to be a sexually aggressive wife. This lets your husband know that you still desire him and you need his lovemaking. The woman who occasionally approaches her husband might be surprised at the intensity of their lovemaking in contrast with her husband always being the aggressor.
10. Don't be afraid to surrender sexually to your husband. "A woman is the only creature that can conquer by surrendering." Learn to be comfortable with yourself and allow yourself to have fun. The closeness God intended for husband and wife is good and right. Surrendering your body to your husband can give you a fulfillment like no other. It takes time and patience, but don't give up. It's worth it!
    

If we are willing to learn to "cultivate the appetite for passionate loving," then it is most probable that we will have a satisfying relationship with our mate. It is for sure that we will be pleasing to God. He created us and gave us a beautiful privilege as women to fulfill and compliment man. If we fail our husbands, we are failing ourselves and our duty to God.

The woman who wishes to please God in her marriage can know what her role is by studying God's Word. You might say, "Where do I find anything about intimacy in the Bible?" Genesis 18:12 gives us an inside look at Sarah's view on her role as a woman, wife, and possible mother. She said, "After I have grown old, shall I have pleasure, my lord, being old also?" Sarah acknowledged with this brief introspection that the sexual relationship brought physical pleasure. She loved her husband, Abraham, and by their story we know that he loved her deeply. She longed to give him a child, but could not. This Bible couple shared an intimacy that thousands of barren couples share. With hearts broken for the lack of a child, they had each other with which to share their feelings. Old age of the couple did not change the closeness of the two though the strength of their passions had lessened with time. This again reminds us that intimacy does not always involve the sexual act.

Their son Isaac grew up with two loving parents who taught him, by example, what intimacy was all about. He grew up knowing that intimacy was a vital part of keeping a relationship alive and well. When he and Rebekah traveled to Gerar, they came to King Abimelech, ruler of the Philistines. Like his father before him, Isaac lied to the king, telling him that Rebekah was his sister instead of his wife. God did not have to intervene as he did in Abraham's situation. After Isaac and Rebekah had been in Gerar a long while, Abimelech spotted "Isaac showing endearment to Rebekah his wife" (Gen. 26:1-8). This clearly reflects the love and physical desire and the attraction that they had for one another. The King James Version uses the term sporting. This term in the Hebrew language is tsachaq which means "to sport, play, toy with, of conjugal caresses." The NIV uses the term caressing while the NKJV employs the words showing endearment. By the attention Isaac was giving Rebekah, even this heathen king knew that what he was seeing was more than just sibling affection. He easily recognized two people in love. The separation the two endured in Gerar caused them both to be eager for the other's touch. Isaac needed his wife and Rebekah needed her husband. Though the Bible doesn't say that Rebekah did any sporting, her acceptance of it affirmed the king's suspicion that brother and sister they were not.

Solomon helped us to understand the nature of love and being in love in the book of Song of Solomon. He captivates the reader with the love story between the Shulamite maiden and himself. This candid portrayal reveals passionate kisses, embraces, and love words so clearly spoken that neither the maiden nor the king could misunderstand their message. King Solomon fell in love with this woman and wooed her. He chased her and pursued her, finally winning her hand in marriage. He constantly assured her of his love and adoration. The maiden also was full of romance. She wished to be close to her love as often as possible. She shared her feelings and thoughts about her fiancé with the daughters of Jerusalem. She also never failed to let the king himself know her admiration of him and her physical attraction and desire for him. This book clearly relates to the reader that tender passion should never be allowed to flicker out and die. When was the last time you told your husband how you feel about him? Go on, make the first move. Let him know how special he is.

Another woman who was not at all timid with showing her husband that she was attracted to him and interested in him was the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31. There are only two verses that mention her husband but they speak volumes about her. In verse 23 he is mentioned as being known at the city gates and sitting with the elders of the land, and in verse 28 he is mentioned because he calls his wife blessed and he praises her. Intimacy begins long before touching or physical closeness develops. Before they have intimacy, a couple must have mutual interests. There must be conversation. Intimacy requires respect, self-control, unselfishness, love and concern for others, kindness, and a conscious effort to always act in the best interest of the one you love. The woman mentioned in Proverbs 31 portrayed all of these qualities. And the simple reason we know this is because her husband praised her. How many husbands that do not experience a richly intimate relationship praise their wives publicly? This is a good sign of a happily satisfied and deeply loved man.

Proverbs 5:3-19 is another frank passage about the sexual intimacies in marriage. Wise Solomon, knowing the strong inclinations of man, gives sound instructions for the young man. He specifically encourages the man who might be drawn toward an adulterous affair to "drink water from your own cistern" (v. 15). The man needs to be faithful and true as does the woman. Solomon tells the husband that his wife is to be his own and not to be shared with other men. He is to rejoice with the wife of his youth and is to be happy with her alone (v. 18). As is stated in the New Testament, a wife's body is not her own but belongs to her husband (1 Cor. 7:4). Solomon knew this to be true when he said "Let her breasts satisfy you at all times. And always be enraptured with her love" (Prov. 5:19). The love and commitment that a woman gives her husband is more satisfying and fulfilling than the short-term sexual gratification offered by an adulterous affair with an immoral woman. Sadly we sometimes see that the wife of a man is simply not willing to allow sexual intimacy or any other type of closeness, for that matter. Plainly and simply put, this is a sin. The woman has a God-given obligation to fulfill her role as a wife if she is married. If she does not have a change of heart by making her marriage all it can be, she is disobeying God and will be accountable for her lack of love for her husband.

To be intimate one must understand that one's speech has much to do with how close another wishes to be. A husband once told me that it was very undesirable to cuddle a hissing snake. By this he meant that he did not feel very close to his wife at times when all she did was snap and snarl at him for little things. Do we pay attention to the tone of voice we use with our husbands? Do we grumble and gripe about every little thing (Prov. 21:9, 19)? Do we nag him needlessly? Be honest now! Are we guilty of goading him and picking fights (Prov. 26:21)? Do we answer him with a quick sharp tone or with a soft, kind answer (Prov. 15:1)? Are we often bossy, speaking to him as we would to a child? Do we try to humiliate or embarrass him in public (Prov. 11:22; 12:4)? Do we attempt to bulldoze our husbands into submission when it is we who should be submitting? Do we allow intimacy to be present by submitting to his leadership in our home? Remember the old saying, "A woman is the only creature that can conquer by submitting."

Sexual intimacy, as a couple ages, can slow down considerably and sometimes come to a halt altogether. Because of slow and subtle physical, psychological, and hormonal changes, we may notice that we have very little physical contact with our mate. For women, menopause can be the culprit. As the female hormones decrease, so does her sex drive. Due to this hormonal decrease, her body does not produce the lubrication it once did and therefore what used to be pleasurable can be uncomfortable or even painful. She may think that her husband is no longer as gentle as he once was and may resist his advances. And, of course, with no communication, he may feel as if she is no longer interested in him sexually. With medical advances we now have the opportunity to seek help from trusted doctors. Discuss your problems openly and ask for their help.

Men do not escape physical changes brought about by age. Testosterone levels decrease in males after the age of thirty. Their sexual drive declines but this does not necessarily mean that their pleasure is decreased. As a man and woman begin to notice changes in their sex life, they can work together to continue to make their love life as rewarding as it has always been.

Adjustments may be needed and this takes communication on the part of both partners. Take time with each other. Don't rush things. As the husband and wife age together the sexual timing becomes closer. The man's excitement is brought about at a slower rate than when he was younger and so more closely matches that of his spouse. After thirty-five, he may be turned on less by what he sees than by his wife's kissing and caressing.

"Once a couple learns to pay less attention to what they see and more to what they do," says New York sex and marital therapist Shirley Zussman, "their sex lives improve dramatically."

It is a known fact that men and women alike produce testosterone and estrogen. But the levels of these hormones change as time passes. The male's testosterone decreases and the estrogen level rises while the female's estrogen level decreases and the testosterone level increases. This may cause the woman to be more sexually assertive while the husband may be content to enjoy this transposition, enjoying a slightly more passive role.

Be aware that with age comes changes. Acknowledgment encourages adjustment. Realize that intercourse is not all there is to sexual satisfaction. Treasure each special moment of closeness and realize that two can still be one if they put less emphasis on how often but rather emphasize how intimate their oneness is.

Each woman will make her choice. If intimacy in your marriage is not what you want it to be, it is in yours and your husband's power to change it. It takes a conscious effort and some attitude adjustments to achieve a long-lasting change in one's life. But with a renewed commitment to God and to each other, you can attain your goal to have a marriage that brings a little heaven to earth.